Ohhhh, you poor thing…. Let the internet see just how unhealthy you are, you skinny b%^&*….Are you sure you want to post this whine for the world to see? And would you like some cheese to go with that? 

A valid point from one of three women on the planet who can say things like this to me and I know it is meant with love. It was a tough love when I needed it. Plus, it made me laugh.

Yet, I am posting this anyway because if it comes across as a skinny bitch whining, then I did it wrong. This is an exercise in accountability and not a plea for head pats, accolades, or compliments.

This is what I know:
– I used to love exercising.
– For the past year, exercise began to feel like a chore until it began to feel like a punishment.
– So I stopped.
– Then my diet began to slack. And slack some more.
– I have health issues and cannot afford the above to a certain extent.
– All of this combined with the fact that my clothes stopped fitting began to weigh on my self-esteem.
– Not to mention negatively impact my health and overall energy levels.

Currently, I find myself on the never-ending negativity loop: I need to exercise because I am not happy with how I look, but I am not happy with how I look so I can’t make myself exercise. 

Here is what I have done so far:
 – Cleaned up my diet, our pantry and freezer, as well as our shopping list.
– Started precooking on Sundays again to have healthier options throughout the week.
– Other than my lifesaving medicines, I recommitted to more supplements that help with my other health goals of energy, concentration, and mental clarity, insomnia, immune support, and some age-related issues for funsies #sarcasm

However, it is Wednesday of the week I swore I would start exercising again and the excuses I have made to avoid doing it would make a high school teacher proud. This coming from a woman that at the beginning of the pandemic was excited to use the extra time at home to finally try all the online workout programs that had been in my feeds for years to find one that she loved. SPOILER ALERT: I did.

Here is what I am going to do:
 – Review the workout programs in a post tomorrow.
– Change my mindset and start by walking with friends or take my dog hiking, rather than try to go from the couch to a 5k
overnight, even if there is an actual app for that.
– Keep my perspective on what this is all about.

This is not about a number on a scale or size tag. Other than needing to keep an eye on my weight because my doctors make me, I rarely jump on a scale, so I can’t commit to losing XX pounds or hitting a goal weight even if I wanted to. I liked being active. I enjoyed knowing I could sign up for a charity 5K and run it without dying. And being totally transparent, I do have a few “shallow” goals, including making sure my rear stays where it belongs instead of creeping down the backs of my thighs. I want to be a 50 or even 60-year-old with 6-pack abs and arms like Madonna. Is that so wrong?

Speaking of age and activity, I am still raising an active 11-year-old who loves it when mom keeps up. While I am in no hurry, I do want to make it to meet any grandchildren my children may have, and staying healthy helps. Plus, it isn’t like this shit gets any easier the older I get. I would rather reach a level of health and work to maintain that, than start from scratch when I am well into my 50s or 60s.

Case in point. Before I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease, they were convinced I needed heart surgery. This was at a time when, ironically enough, I was at peak physical health. Almost every nurse, specialist, and surgeon I spoke with commented, “Your recovery is going to be so much easier since you don’t smoke, eat right, and are in great shape.” I cannot guarantee that I will not fall and break a hip, but I can to a certain extent control how much and how challenging any rehab will be.

I will be 49 in August, the last year of my 40s. I very much want to go into this year in great shape, setting the tone for this last chapter, but at this point, those goals are not happening and I need to fix it. And so concludes my accountability post that may or may not go down better with a nice Pino and some Gruyere. How have you gotten yourself out of a rut? Let me know in the comments below.






Photography by Chie Endo